Frostbite Chapter 23

Twenty-threeTHE WEATHER WARMED UP ON the day of my molnija ceremony. In fact, it was so warm that a lot of the blast on campus began melting, running level the spatial relations of the Academys stone buildings in slim, silvery streams. Winter was far from being over, so I knew everything would entirely freeze up over again in a fewer days. For instantaneously, though, it mat up as though the entire world was weeping.I had walked a expressive style(p) from the Spokane incident with minor bruises and cuts. The burns from the melting flex-cuffs were the spank of my injuries. except now I was still having a hard time dealing with the death Id caused and the death Id seen. Id treasured half-size more than to go curl up in a ball somewhere and not talk to anyone, except peradventure Lissa. exactly on my fourth day back at the Academy, my sire had found me and told me it was time to receive my marks.It had taken me several signifi terminateces to grasp what she was talking around. Then it occurred to me that in decapitating two Strigoi, Id earned two molnija tattoos. My first ones. The realization had kayoed me. All my life, in considering my future career as a guardian, Id looked forward to the marks. Id seen them as badges of honor. exclusively now? Mainly they were going to be reminders of something I regarded to forget.The ceremony took place in the guardians building, in a large path they used for meetings and banquets. It was nothing at all alike the great dining room at the resort. It was efficient and practical, like the guardians were. The carpet was a bluish gray shade, low and tightly woven. The bare w turn overe walls held framed black-and-white photos of St. Vladimirs by the years. there were no separate decorations or fanfare, yet the solemnity and power of the moment were palpable. All the guardians on campus- only if no novices- attended. They milled around in the buildings briny meeting room, hanging out in clusters but not talking. When the ceremony started, they fell into orderly ranks without being told and watched me.I sat on a seat in the corner of the room, leaning forward with my hair hanging over the front of my face. Behind me, a guardian named Lionel held a tattooists aimle to the back of my neck. Id go him the whole time Id been at the Academy, but Id neer realized he was trained to draw molnija marks.Before he started, he had a murmured conversation with my bewilder and Alberta.She wont control a promise mark, he verbalise. She hasnt graduated.It happens, state Alberta. She do the kills. Do the molnijas, and shell get the promise mark later.Considering the pain I regularly put myself through, I didnt expect the tattoos to bruise as oft as they did. But I bit my lip and conciliateed silent as Lionel make the marks. The process seemed to go on forever. When he finished, he produced a couple of mirrors, and with some maneuvering, I was able to see the back of my neck. Two tiny blac k marks sat there, side by side, against my reddened and sensitive skin. Molnija meant lightning in Russian, and thats what the jagged shape was meant to symbolize. Two marks. One for Isaiah, one for Elena.Once Id seen them, he bandaged them up and gave me some instruction manual about caring for them while they healed. Most of it I missed, but I pass judgment I could ask again later. I was still kind of ball over by it all.After that, all the gathered guardians came up to me one by one. They each gave me some sort of sign of affection- a hug, a flatter on the cheek- and kind words.Wel induce to the ranks, said Alberta, her weathered face gentle as she pulled me into a tight embrace.Dimitri didnt say anything when his turn came, but as always, his eyes round legions. Pride and tenderness filled his expression, and I swallowed back attracts. He rested one hand gently on my cheek, nodded, and walked away.When Stan- the instructor Id fought with the most since my first day- hugge d me and said, today youre one of us. I always knew youd be one of the best, I thought Id pass out.And then when my commence came up to me, I couldnt help the tear that ran down my cheek. She wiped it away and then brushed her fingers against the back of my neck. Dont ever forget, she told me.Nobody said, Congratulations, and I was glad. Death wasnt anything to get excited about.When that was done, drinks and food were served. I walked to the buffet table and do a plate for myself of miniature feta quiches and a slice of mango cheesecake. I ate without really tasting the food and answered questions from others without even knowing what I said half the time. It was like I was a Rose robot, going through the motions of what was expected. On the back of my neck, my skin stung from the tattoos, and in my mind, I kept sightedness Masons blue eyes and Isaiahs red ones.I felt guilty for not enjoying my big day more, but I was relieved when the group finally started dispersing. My mot her walked up to me as others murmured their goodbyes. Aside from her words here at the ceremony, we hadnt talked much since my breakdown on the plane. I still felt a little strange about that- and a little embarrassed as well. Shed never mentioned it, but something very small had shifted in the nature of our relationship. We werent anywhere near being friendsbut we werent exactly enemies anymore either.Lord Szelsky is leaving soon, she told me as we stood near the buildings doorway, not far from where Id yelled for her on that first day wed talked. Ill be going with him.I know, I said. There was no question shed leave. That was how it was. Guardians followed Moroi. They came first.She regarded me for a few moments, her brown eyes thoughtful. For the first time in a long time, I felt like we were actually spirit eye to eye, as opposed to her looking down on me. It was about time, too, seeing as I had half a foot of height on her.You did well, she said at last. Considering the circ umstances.It was only half a compliment, but I deserved no more. I understood now the mistakes and lapses of judgment that had led to the events at Isaiahs house. Some had been my fault some hadnt. I wished I could have changed some of my actions, but I knew she was right. Id done the best I could in the end with the mess before me.Killing Strigoi wasnt as glamorous as I thought itd be, I told her.She gave me a sad pull a face. No. It never is.I thought then about all the marks on her neck, all the kills. I shuddered.Oh, hey. Eager to change the subject, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the little blue eye pendant shed given me. This thing you gave me. Its a n-nazari I stumbled over the word. She looked surprised.Yes. Howd you know?I didnt want to explain my visions with Adrian. Someone told me. Its a security measures thing, right?A pensive look crossed her face, and then she exhaled and nodded. Yes. It seeded players from an old superstition in the Middle EastSome peopl e believe that those who want to hurt you can curse you or give you the evil eye. The nazar is meant to counteract the evil eye and just bring protection in general to those who fracture it.I ran my fingers over the piece of glass. Middle Eastso, places sort of like, um, Turkey?My mothers lips quirked. Places exactly like Turkey. She hesitated. It was a gift. A gift I received a long time ago Her gaze turned inward, lost in memory. I got a lot of attention from men when I was your age. Attention that seemed flatter at first but wasnt in the end. Its hard to tell the difference sometimes, amid whats real affection and whats someone wanting to take advantage of you. But when you feel the real thingwell, youll know.I understood then why she was so overprotective about my reputation- shed endangered her own when she was younger. Maybe more than that had been damaged.I also knew why shed given the nazar to me. My father had given it to her. I didnt think she wanted to talk anymore about it, so I didnt ask. It was enough to know that maybe, just maybe, their relationship hadnt been all about business and genes after all.We said goodbye, and I riposteed to my classes. Everyone knew where Id been that morning, and my fellow novices wanted to see my molnija marks. I didnt blame them. If our roles had been reversed, I would have been harassing me too.Come on, Rose, begged Shane Reyes. We were walking out of our morning practice, and he kept swatting my ponytail. I made a mental note to wear my hair down tomorrow. some(prenominal) others followed us and echoed his requests.Yeah, come on. Lets see what you got for your swordsmanshipTheir eyes shone with eagerness and excitement. I was a hero, their classmate whod dispatched the leaders of the roving band of Strigoi that had so terrorized us over the holidays. But I met the eyes of someone standing at the back of the group, someone who looked neither eager nor excited. Eddie. Meeting my gaze, he gave me a small, sa d smile. He understood.Sorry, guys, I said, turning back to the others. They have to stay bandaged. Doctors orders.This was met with grumbles that soon turned into questions about how Id actually killed the Strigoi. Decapitation was one of the hardest and rarest ways to kill a vampire it wasnt like carrying a sword was convenient. So I did my best to tell my friends what had happened, making sure to stick to the facts and not glorify the killings.The school day couldnt end a moment too soon, and Lissa walked with me back to my dorm. She and I hadnt had the chance to talk much since everything had gone down in Spokane. Id undergone a lot of questioning, and then thered been Masons funeral. Lissa had also been caught up in her own distractions with the kinglikes leaving campus, so shed had no more free time than me.Being near her made me feel better. Even though I could be in her head at any time, it just wasnt the same(p) as actually being physically around another living soulfulne ss who cared about you.When we got to the door of my room, I axiom a bouquet of freesias sitting on the floor near it. Sighing, I picked up the fragrant flowers without even looking at the attached card.What are those? asked Lissa while I unlocked the door.Theyre from Adrian, I told her. We walked inside, and I pointed to my desk, where a few other bouquets sat. I put the freesias down beside them. Ill be glad when he leaves campus. I dont think I can take much more of this.She turned to me in surprise. Oh. Um, you dont know.I got that warning twinge through the bond that told me I wouldnt like what was about to come.Know what?Uh, he isnt leaving. Hes going to stay here for a while.He has to leave, I argued. To my knowledge, the only reason hed come back at all was because of Masons funeral, and I still wasnt sure why hed done that, since he barely knew Mason. Maybe Adrian had just done it for show. Or maybe to keep stalking Lissa and me. Hes in college. Or maybe reform school. I d ont know, but he does something.Hes taking the semester off.I stared.Smiling at my shock, she nodded. Hes going to stay and work with me and Ms. Carmack. All this time, he never even knew what spirit was. He just knew he hadnt specialized but that he had these weird abilities. He just kept them to himself, except for when he occasionally found another spirit user. But they didnt know any more than he did.I should have figured it out sooner, I mused. There was something about being around him. I always wanted to talk to him, you know? He just has this charisma. Like you do. I guess its all tied into spirit and compulsion or whatever. It commits me like him even though I dont like him.Dont you? she teased.No, I replied adamantly. And I dont like that dream thing, either.Her jade eyes went wide with wonder. That is cool, she said. Youve always been able to tell whats going on with me, but Ive never been able to communicate with you the other way. Im glad you guys got away when you didbut I wish I could have figured out the dream thing and helped find you.Not me, I said. Im glad Adrian didnt get you to go off your meds.I hadnt found that out until a few days after being in Spokane. Lissa had apparently rejected Adrians initial suggestion that halt the pills would let her learn more about spirit. She had admitted to me later, however, that if Christian and I had stayed missing much longer, she might have cracked.How are you feeling lately? I asked, recalling her concerns about the medication. You still feel like the pills arent working?Mmmwell, its hard to explain. I still feel closer to the magic, like maybe they arent blocking me so much anymore. But Im not feeling any of the other mental side effectsnot upset or anything.Wow, thats great.A beautiful smile lit her face. I know. It makes me think there might be hope for me to learn to work the magic after all someday.Seeing her so happy made me smile back. I hadnt liked seeing those dark feelings starting to return and was glad theyd vanished. I didnt understand the how or the why, but as long as she felt okay-Everyone has light around them, except for you. You have shadows. You take them from Lissa.Adrians words slammed into my mind. Uneasily, I thought about my behavior these last couple of weeks. Some of the angry outbursts. My rebelliousness- peculiar even for me. My own black coil of emotion, stirring in my chestNo, I decided. There were no similarities. Lissas dark feelings were magic-based. Mine were stress-based. Besides, I felt lovely right now.Seeing her watching me, I tried to remember where wed left off in the conversation. Maybe youll eventually find a way to make it work. I mean, if Adrian could find a way to use spirit and doesnt need meds She suddenly laughed. You dont know, do you?What?That Adrian does medicate himself.He does? But he said- I groaned. Of crease he does. The cigarettes. The drinking. God only knows what else.She nodded. Yup. Hes almost always got som ething in his system.But probably not at nightwhich is why he can scent his head into my dreams.Man, I wish I could do that, she sighed.Maybe youll learn someday. Just dont become an alcoholic in the process.I wont, she assured me. But I will learn. None of the other spirit users could do it, Rose- well, aside from St. Vladimir. Ill learn like he did. Im going to learn to use it- and I wont let it hurt me.I smiled and touched her hand. I had absolute faith in her. I know.We talked for most of the evening. When the time came for my usual practice with Dimitri, I parted ways with her. As I walked away, I pondered something that had been bothering me. Although the attacking groups of Strigoi had had many more members, the guardians felt confident Isaiah had been their leader. That didnt mean there wouldnt be other threats in the future, but they felt itd be a while before his followers regrouped.But I couldnt help thinking about the list Id seen in the tunnel in Spokane, the one that had listed royal families by size. And Isaiah had mentioned the Dragomirs by name. He knew they were almost gone, and hed sounded keen on being the one to finish them. Sure, he was dead nowbut were there other Strigoi out there with the same idea?I shook my head. I couldnt worry about that. Not today. I still needed to recover from everything else. soon, though. Soon Id have to deal with this.I didnt even know if our practice was still on but went to the locker room anyway. After changing into practice clothes, I headed down into the gym and found Dimitri in a supply room, reading one of the Western novels he loved. He looked up at my entrance. Id seen little of him in these last few days and had figured he was busy with Tasha.I thought you might come by, he said, putting a bookmark between the pages.Its time for practice.He shook his head. No. No practice today. You still need to recover.Ive got a clean bill of health. Im good to go. I pushed as much patented Rose Hathaway bravado into my words as I could.Dimitri wasnt falling for any of it. He gestured to the chair beside him. Sit down, Rose.I hesitated only a moment before complying. He moved his own chair close to mine so that we sat directly across from each other. My heart fluttered as I looked into those gorgeous dark eyes.No one gets over their first killkillseasily. Even with Strigoiwell, its still technically taking a life. Thats hard to come to monetary value with. And after everything else you went through He sighed, then reached out and caught my hand in his. His fingers were exactly like I remembered, long and powerful, calloused with years of training. When I saw your facewhen we found you in that houseyou cant imagine how I felt.I swallowed. How how did you feel?Devastated grief-stricken. You were alive, but the way you looked I didnt think youd ever recover. And it tore me asunder to think of that happening to you so young. He squeezed my hand. You will recover- I know that now, and Im glad. But you arent there. Not yet. Losing someone you care about is never easy.My eyes dropped from his and examine the floor. Its my fault, I said in a small voice.Hmm?Mason. Getting killed.I didnt have to see Dimitris face to know compassion was filling it. Oh, Roza. No. You made some bad decisionsyou should have told others when you knew he was gonebut you cant blame yourself. You didnt kill him.Tears brimmed in my eyes as I looked back up. I might as well have. The whole reason he went there- it was my fault. We had a fightand I told him about the Spokane thing, even though you asked me not to.One tear leaked out of the corner of my eye. Really, I needed to learn to stop that. Just as my mother had, Dimitri delicately wiped the tear off my cheek.You cant blame yourself for that, he told me. You can regret your decisions and wish youd done things differently, but in the end, Mason made his decisions too. That was what he chose to do. It was his decision in the end, no matter yo ur original role. When Mason had come back for me, I realized, hed let his feelings for me get in the way. It was what Dimitri had always feared, that if he and I had any sort of relationship, it would put us- and any Moroi we protected- in danger.I just wish Id been able to I dont know, do anythingSwallowing back further tears, I pulled my hands from Dimitris and stood up before I could say something stupid.I should go, I said thickly. Let me know when you want to start practice again. And thanks for talking.I started to turn then I heard him say abruptly, No.I glanced back. What?He held my gaze, and something warm and wonderful and powerful shot between us.No, he repeated. I told her no. Tasha.I I shut my mouth before my jaw hit the floor. Butwhy? That was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You could have had a baby. And she she was, you know, into you.The ghost of a smile flickered on his face. Yes, she was. Is. And thats why I had to say no. I couldnt return thatcouldnt give her wh at she wanted. Not when He took a few steps toward me. Not when my heart is somewhere else.I almost started crying again. But you seemed so into her. And you kept going on about how young I acted.You act young, he said, because you are young. But you know things, Roza. Things people older than you dont even know. That day I knew instantly which day he referred to. The one up against the wall. You were right, about how I fight to stay in control. No one else has ever figured that out- and it panic-stricken me. You scare me.Why? Dont you want anyone to know?He shrugged. Whether they know that fact or not doesnt matter. What matters is that someone- that you- know me that well. When a person can see into your soul, its hard. It forces you to be open. Vulnerable. Its much easier being with someone whos just more of a casual friend.Like Tasha.Tasha Ozera is an amazing woman. Shes beautiful and shes brave. But she doesnt- She doesnt get you, I finished.He nodded. I knew that. But I sti ll wanted the relationship. I knew it would be easy and that she could take me away from you. I thought she could make me forget you.Id thought the same thing about Mason. But she couldnt.Yes. And, so thats a problem.Because its wrong for us to be together.Yes.Because of the age difference.Yes.But more importantly because were going to be Lissas guardians and need to focus on her- not each other.Yes.I thought about this for a moment and then looked straight into his eyes. Well, I said at last, the way I see it, we arent Lissas guardians yet.I steeled myself for the next response. I knew it was going to be one of the Zen life lessons. Something about inner strength and perseverance, about how the choices we made today were templates for the future or some other nonsense.Instead he kissed me.Time stopped as he reached out and cupped my face between his hands. He brought his mouth down and brushed it against my lips. It was barely a kiss at first but soon increased, becoming heady and deep. When he finally pulled away, it was to kiss my forehead. He left his lips there for several seconds as his arms held me close.I wished the kiss could have gone on forever. Breaking the embrace, he ran a few fingers through my hair and down my cheek. He stepped back toward the door.Ill see you later, Roza.At our next practice? I asked. We are starting those up again, right? I mean, you still have things to teach me.Standing in the doorway, he looked over at me and smiled. Yes. Lots of things.